“You’re damn right it’s me!” How can you not laugh at George Constanza’s lines (click on the video and watch him saying that, it’s hilarious). If you’ve been born after the 90’s it’s possible that you’ve missed this great character from a famous sitcom called Seinfeld. What apparently looks like an excuse to brake up, in reality it’s part of the truth. “Part?” Yep, by this time you’ve already heard that each partner carries 50% of responsibility in a relationship. Nobody decides to go through a break up or a divorce just because. But based on the modern society’s behavior the most easiest way to get out of the situation and deal with it is by blaming on the others; or fight or flight if you will. And that, my friend, is really bad. This is the most common receipt for sadness and loneliness and you can even add addiction on top of that. So what’s the game changer here? Let’s give a step back first and visualize the big picture, in other words, let’s try to widen our view on the situation to brake our thinking patterns and see many options and unlimited ways to perceive what’s going on in your relationship.
You see, most of the time the stories start with an expectation. Deep inside yourself you already have everything planned: -“I’m gonna be married by 32; I’m gonna have two kids: Marianne and John; I’m gonna have a cat and a dog; I’m gonna spend my vacations on the beach and my house is gonna be full of happiness and love.” Then life finds out another route and messes up with your GPS system. When you realize you don’t have that map anymore and the first thing you do, of course, is cussing the gadget and blame on Google for no particular reason. Does your partner know this situation? I bet he/she does. And you know, it’s ok if the things don’t go as planned.
Relationships offer us all new opportunities to understand who we are, what we fear, where our power comes from, and what the meaning of true love is. The idea that relationships are learning opportunities may seem counterintuitive because we know that they can be frustrating, challenging, even heartbreaking experiences. And yet then can be much more. Relationships give us our greatest chance to find real love and true healing. (…) Rather than constantly asking your current partner to love you more, become more worthy of being loved by them. And if you are worthy and they still leave, then they weren’t the right one for you. (You Can Heal Your Heart – Louise Hay & David Kessler; 2014 – Hay House Inc.)
The expectations we create on the relationship are the ball and chain of all the greatness we can experiment. It’s almost like an ego trip, where there’s no actual relationship; but a constant need to fulfill certain personal beliefs. What I usually ask my clients when they’re having disagreements with their partners is what are they doing to make themselves happy? Pretty simple, isn’t it? How’s your life going? What did you do today that inspired you? How are you taking care of your health? When was the last time you did something that you really love? And how did you feel about that? Most of the time the answers I get reveals that the person in front of me has been leaving him/herself aside. And why is that?
By not having our basic needs fulfilled our brain starts to obsess on the things that are not working instead of finding the solutions to make it work. So day after day instead of having a honest conversation with your partner and solving the problem; that inner conversation that has been always on repeat inside your head comes out as anger and despair. It doesn’t matter our culture, age or social status, we all believe that in a relationship the other person has to assume his/her responsibilities: that they will remember your date of birth; that the dishes and the laundry has to be done; that the wet towel shouldn’t be on the bed; and so on. And when you see, the time you used to have for yourself, now it’s just and endless list of things you dislike and makes you sad. And the worst thing is that they are on loop and are not being solved. On this list you can add the problems you have at work; with your family; your dog; and thus the octagon is ready to rumble. How can somebody be happy like that? How is it possible to make the other person happy with all this inner discussions and bad feelings inside yourself?
What I would like to suggest here is for you to stop for a second, breathe out, and ask yourself what would make your relationship better? And ultimately, what could YOU do to make it better? Let’s widen the possibilities here and write on a piece of paper: what are the options you can create? If you could do anything you wanted, what would you do?
By asking this questions you’ll have a better understanding on your role in the relationship and it will bring the right amount of detachment, or the need to control, that will allow you to realize that the person in front of you is with you for your own healing.
Start right now. It’s you.